Keep Calm and Read a Book
The other day my well meaning father asked me if I had given up on my blog. It’s true that I haven’t posted in a while; but what he didn’t know was the immense pressure and guilt I was feeling. I had kicked off March with an aggressive four book goal that I announced to the public in a post for Women’s History Month. I was ready to read and post and be active on Instagram, and all the things you’re supposed to do when you run a blog. But then things got in the way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. But suddenly my 9-5 was also a night and weekend job, at least that’s how it felt to me. I was suddenly faced with compounding deadlines and days that seemed to magically get shorter. Then, on top of everything, pandemic fatigue finally took over.
It has been a strange phenomenon of working from home where I feel like I do nothing but also feel like I don’t have time to do anything. At the point that I would finish work for the evening I barely had enough energy to brush my teeth or read a few pages, let alone sit back down in front of the computer and write a post. And I felt so guilty! I was riddled with it.
I’m always harder on myself than anyone else. I totally understand when someone needs to move a meeting, or communicate via email, or cancel zoom happy hour. But I don’t extend the same courtesy to myself. Going to the dentist or running (sometimes literally) to the pharmacy is one thing, but allowing myself the time to focus on extracurriculars, that’s different. In fact my long established mid-day walks, which began long before COVID and have persisted throughout WFH, are the only time I demand for myself and sometimes even those go by the wayside. It feels like a lose-lose for me and that sends me down a doom/guilt spiral of epic proportions.
Which is why I’m writing this post instead of just launching into a new book review. I was busy at work, and for all that I love this blog and all my hopes for what it could be, right now that job pays the bills so it had to be my priority. And that’s OKAY! Giving myself permission not to do it all is one of the hardest things for me. I am constantly worrying if I am good enough; a good enough daughter, a good enough friend, and a good enough employee. If I just do more I will be worth something. That’s hard to admit, since I know how much it can hurt those who love me, support me, and have my best interests at heart.
Then last week I binge-read a book! I’m talking I stayed up till 2 am to finish it, kind of read, which hasn’t happened in so long. Although I was dipping into my much-needed sleep, it felt so good to be reading again; to be doing something I enjoy just for the sake of doing it. So I’ve recommitted myself to reading, and to writing this blog; putting in my weekly to-do’s: “Write Anything!!” and giving myself the grace I try so hard to show to others! I’m going to be okay, we’re all going to be okay. I give you permission to pick up that book from your shelf and just read!
